Pray for the Bidens' New Cat

She's gonna need it.

Rafi Schwartz

Apr 30, 2021

Big exciting news from the White House today, with First Lady Jill Biden confirming to an eager nation on pins and needles that, yes, she and President Joe will be getting a cat in the not-too-distant future. Meow!

TODAY @TODAYshow

“She is waiting in the wings,” said first lady Jill Biden about a cat joining the White House.

Is this a good idea? I say, no, it is not. Despite Jill's claim that their German Shepard Major has been trained to be chill around cats ("he did fine"), we've seen time and again that the Biden dogs simply do not give a fuck. Major keeps biting people and crapping all over the White House floor. (Kudos to NBC's Craig Melvin, who displayed exactly the right kind of journalistic skepticism when the Bidens told him that Major was "lovable.") Champ is old and set in his ways. Both of them have had the run of the West Wing for months now. I don't care how much training they've gotten, you can't just dump a cat into that mix and assume everything is going to be fine.

And here's the thing: I'm here for it. I want some chaos. I want to wake up one morning and see paparazzi pictures of Major walking around with a dead cat in his jaws. Or have to hear Jen Psaki explain to the White House press corps what's going to happen to the cat after it clawed Champ's eye out for sniffing too aggressively at its food bowl. I want a scandal. I want a coverup. I want Joe Biden to get up in front of the American people and justify his decision to toss a feline hand grenade into a puddle of canine gasoline.

There is no scenario here in which the cat is not utterly screwed. Major bites its head off? RIP cat. Cat takes a swipe at Ella Emhoff? See ya, kitty. This poor thing has absolutely no idea what it's getting itself into. Like Dr. Strange peering into 14,000,605 futures, there is only one way I can see that this ends well — don't get the cat in the first place. Unfortunately, it seems too late for that. The wheels are in motion. The die has been cast. The cat, according to Jill, is "waiting in the wings."

Pray for the Biden cat. She's gonna need it.