Bird of the Week: What Is the Donald Trump of Birds?

We're in our elections era.

Welcome back to Bird of the Week! You may have heard there’s an election happening. (Yes, it’s true—and things are going great. Both of the main candidates are technically alive and their brains work at least 22 percent of the time. Democracy!) As the world’s premier center of bird journalism, we know we have an obligation to examine the big issues in this campaign. It’s with pride and civic solemnity, therefore, that we kick off our 2024 coverage with this important question: what is the Donald Trump of birds?

I know, I know: it’s kind of mean to compare any bird to Donald Trump, or to Joe Biden, who will get his own bird doppelganger if he manages to stay upright for another week or so. “We’d have to be so rude to two birds,” Caitlin pointed out.

But as we have discussed before, it’s OK to admit that some birds are on the more annoying or gross or sociopathic side. It takes all kinds to make a bird world! Also the birds will definitely not know we’re doing this, so whatever.

To help us answer this question, we turned once again to New York-area bird expert and photographer Elias Markee-Ratner. He immediately came back with some incredible suggestions. Here they are.

Northern giant petrel

Liam Quinn

“Big, vicious, and ugly,” Elias says. And woof, accurate. Look at this thing. It’s even got weird coloring on its head. And check out this description from New Zealand Birds Online:

The traditional seafarers' name for this species - "stinkpot" - is apt. Adult birds and chicks have an intense, foul smell like putrifying flesh.

[…]Aggressive and opportunistic, giant petrels (both species) are the main scavengers in subantarctic and Antarctic waters where they eat penguin, albatross, seal and whale carrion, along with live prey (see below). Unusually for a petrel, adult birds walk strongly on land where they aggressively compete for carrion and prey; they are the only petrels that will feed while on land. They are capable of opening large intact seal and whale carcasses on land and at sea, using their huge bill to make a hole. Once the hole is large enough they insert the bill and head into the carcass to access internal organs, often blooding the head and neck feathers in the process, hence the old mariners' name of "sea vulture".

[…] During courtship, birds preen, sway and call. Birds' bills touch rapidly, creating a clicking sound. Males open wings and extend them fully. Aerial displays are also performed, with a high-pitched whinny given by birds in a slow glide over the nesting area, with the head raised and neck arched.

Oh my god?!?!?! A loud, whiny, voracious, disgusting predator that smells like rotting flesh…remind you of anyone?

Marabou stork

Charles J. Sharp

Heather Paul

Ooof, OK. The squat appearance, the malevolent air, the weirdly protruding flesh (that icky bag at its neck is called a gular sac, btw)—I could see it. This bird is also known as the “undertaker bird,” as the Whipsnade Zoo explains:

Unlike most storks – commonly associated with delivering babies and bringing new life – these so named undertakers gained their unfortunate nickname because of their huge, dark, cloak-like wingspan and penchant for rotten carcasses. They are often found near urban developments, especially landfill sites, as they scavenge on waste. 

Extra points to the zoo for emphasizing just how thoroughly this stork diverges from how we think about storks. This won’t bring you a baby—it will kill you and your baby and then eat your corpse! Would Donald Trump go around like a hulking specter of death, snapping at decomposing flesh wherever he could? You tell me.

Elias initially had a third bird to recommend, but then he decided that it deserved “some good PR” because it was actually better than Donald Trump could ever hope to be. So we are not including it. Instead, we’re leaving you with these two options and throwing it open to all of you to bring your own suggestions to the table.

So tell us: what is the Donald Trump of birds? Is it one of these two creeps? Or do you have another foul fowl on your mind? Tell us in the comments or at hello@discourseblog.com. And thanks once again to Elias for his courage and his expertise.

A reminder: you can check out our complete Bird of the Week list here, and get in touch with your bird suggestions at hello@discourseblog.com.