BREAKING: OLD MAN ON ROOF

Why on roof? What happen?

Win McNamee/Getty Images

What is it that drives a person to seek out isolated heights and lofty expanses in their quest for wisdom? What compels someone to break the surly bonds of gravity and ascend to an elevated plateau from which they can contemplate the subtle mysteries of the universe? Why is it that looking down from on high is so often an antecedent to looking within for self-understanding?

I guess what I’m asking is: Why the fuck did 79-year-old President Donald Trump spend his morning wandering aimlessly around the White House roof?

“Taking a little walk,” Trump shouted to reporters, who had gathered on the lawn to investigate why the septuagenarian commander-in-chief was suddenly traipsing across the West Wing rooftop. How nice for him. I’m always heartened when I see members of America’s elderly community rejecting a life of decreased mobility. You can do it, Mr. President, sir!

While the administration has since claimed that Trump was scoping the site of his proposed $200 million ballroom expansion (“anything I do is financed by me, so you don't have to worry”) the official explanation for Trump’s rooftop trip falls apart when you realize that the president and his posse were on the opposite side of the building from the East Wing, where the ballroom is supposed to be constructed.

Here is a helpful map I’ve annotated, which the president might find useful next time:

Whitehouse.gov, edited

Cardinal directions can be tough, I suppose.

In any case, the fact that Trump hiked up a whole flight of stairs to hold court on the roof like a sweaty, out-of-breath King Kong has positively thrilled his most undiscerning supporters.

On some level, it must be nice to be the sort of person dumb enough to be thrilled by something as jejune as an old man yelling from his roof. When you’ve spent years polishing your brain into a perfect mirrored surface, life must be an endless cavalcade of exciting moments surpassing even the thrill of watching mommy reappear after playing peek-a-boo.

For the rest of us, however, the mystery of why Trump spent his morning tromping around atop the White House Briefing Room will remain exactly that: a mystery. After all, real ones know that the only reason to sneak onto the White House roof is to get high with Willie Nelson.