DEAR GOD THE HORROR PLEASE DON’T LET CUOMO’S ‘NIPPLE RING’ BE REAL

These are dark times. There is no end in sight. Sometimes, online is the only good place left. Today, it became the chief antagonist in my life, because it raised the possibility that New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, who’s been roundly praised despite pushing to cut Medicaid in a pandemic, has a nipple ring.

Ground zero:

Give Me Internet @GiveMeInternet

Is it just me or is Cuomo's nipple totally pierced?

At first blush, this would appear to be an open and shut case. Wow, sure looks like a nipple piercing yearning to make an entrance through a thin, white, perhaps-manufactured-by-inmates polo shirt! But I’m a journalist, so I must respond with skepticism. Also, on a personal note, for me to maintain my ever-loosening grip on reality, I desperately need this to not be real.

But the evidence mounts. You can see the same nipple ring-type outline in a Getty Images photo of the presser on Friday.

An alternate theory? Perhaps he had on band-aids because…..running? Or also to mask a possible nipple ring???

pendleton hazmat suit @rachelmillman

been staring at this for too long now. it’s bandaids that’s the only thing my brain wants to accept rn

The center of my brain simply cannot hold. I must know the answer, and yet the answer might destroy me. Stay tuned.

Screenshot: NY State