Fascism Got You Down? Shave Your Head!

An appeal about all the brain space you'd have to tackle life's problems if you didn't have to worry about the state of your hair.

Me, my bald head, and West Texas.

Is the ruinous state of immigration, abortion, and economic recession getting you down? Do you find yourself echoing refrains of younger generations such as “Chat, we are so cooked” with each news alert? Are you looking for a way to exert control over your life amid the crumbling of the American empire? Then look no further, as I have just the solution for you!

That solution is: Shave your head! Yes, if you’d like to feel in charge of your own fate in this cruel universe, consider shaving your head. No, it will not address any of these aforementioned cruelties, nor improve your material or fiscal status. But it will deliver a temporary jolt of dopamine to your brain, and that series of shocks might just be what you need to interrupt the bad feelings long enough to reinvigorate your will (this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA, but it’s likely as good as anything they’re approving these days).

Take it from me, a formerly long-haired convert who recently shaved her head for the first time. A month into regularly shearing my scalp, my head feels physically and mentally lighter! And if that’s not convincing enough, I feel as if the small stream of compliments I’ve gotten on my new look is really a river dense enough to carry me into the new year.

Jokes aside, there is something about having a shaved head that’s made me feel more self-assured during a very difficult period in my life, both personally and politically, even if the only thing that’s changed between then and now is the length of my hair.

For those still on the fence, below I’ve written an unnecessarily thoughtful guide to shaving your head in just a few simple steps. But be warned, if you have a healthy-to-neutral relationship with your hair, this how-to guide is not for you. Might I suggest you study a dead language or learn how to open your third eye or something equally strenuous to make use of all that available brainpower?

OK, let’s get into it.