With all due respect to Minneapolis’ own Prince “Sometimes it Snows in April” Rogers Nelson: fuck off, man. Just…goddammit, dude, all it’s DONE is snow here this month — almost every day! And look, it’s Minnesota, I get it. We’ve got a shitty winter that’s too cold and lasts too long. Fine, I’ve made my peace with it. But c’mon, this is getting ridiculous.

On the other hand, things could always be worse — I could be shooting myself up with piss, and washing it down with a half-gallon of more piss.

Also, at least I’m not a grown-ass adult threatening some exhausted hotel employee with a homemade “wizard’s wand” that’s actually just a knife stuck on the end of some stick I’d found. And if you’re wondering what wizards do when someone pulls a gun on them, they apparently throw a huffy tantrum and try to storm off back to Hogwarts or whatever, until the cops show up and toss ‘em in the back of a cruiser instead.