According to Jack, this newsletter almost always starts with just one of two scenarios: either I, or my children are sick. Well, I’m thrilled to report that everyone in my house is (somehow) over the weather, not under it, and we’re ready to head out and find this lost capuchin somewhere in town. Sure it’s named for an infamous Nazi, but I won’t let that stop me from fulfilling my lifelong dream of playing hero to a missing monkey.

Speaking of monkeys, did ya hear the one about the former San Angelo, TX police chief who got convicted the other day for taking thousands of dollars in bribes laundered through“Funky Munky,” his Earth, Wind, and Fire cover band?

Anyway, fuck this. Absolutely not.

Also, you know how they say “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”? Do you think it counts as work when what you love to do is write books about murdering your husband (TITLE: “How to Murder Your Husband”) and then you get arrested when your husband is shot to death, or is that more of an extracurricular sorta thing?