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So I Guess We're All Gonna Die

Which old-timey disease do YOU think RFK Jr. will bring back???

Jack Mirkinson's avatar
Jack Mirkinson
Nov 14, 2024
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Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images

Today in medical news: medicine is over!

I am thrilled to announce Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS). For too long, Americans have been crushed by the industrial food complex and drug companies who have engaged in deception, misinformation, and disinformation when it comes to Public Health. The Safety and Health of all Americans is the most important role of any Administration, and HHS will play a big role in helping ensure that everybody will be protected from harmful chemicals, pollutants, pesticides, pharmaceutical products, and food additives that have contributed to the overwhelming Health Crisis in this Country. Mr. Kennedy will restore these Agencies to the traditions of Gold Standard Scientific Research, and beacons of Transparency, to end the Chronic Disease epidemic, and to Make America Great and Healthy Again!

Now that anti-vax king Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is set to take over the CDC, the FDA, and all the other agencies of our federal health system, it’s time to speculate about which old-timey diseases are going to come roaring back. Polio? Diptheria? Smallpox? Leprosy? Come on down! Measles? Mumps? Rubella? Come on down!

How about the plague? Been a while since we’ve had a good plague outbreak. The fashion will be great!

CHECK OUT THE FIT. (Bildagentur-online / Getty Images)

Oooh, what about tetanus, that’s a fun one. Or chickenpox, if we’re ordering from the kids’ menu.

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Or maybe we’ll wind up expelling all our organs out of our bodies thanks to the copious amounts of raw milk we’re getting force-fed.

Get your shots now, folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. And let us know in the comments what vintage ailments YOU want to see making a comeback!

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defineandredefine
Nov 15

What's so frustrating is that he/they aren't wrong - pharma and food industries and etc are worthy of contempt for decades of malfeasance that has directly impacted the public health of this country. But I don't see RFK going after pharma bullshit like useless drugs that just exist to extend patent rights. I don't see him going after the blatant price-gouging for things like insulin and other staple drugs for blood pressure, diabetes, stroke prevention, cancer, etc. I don't see him taking on the huge insurance bureaucracies, or the incredibly excessive administrative costs in our system. I don't see him going after companies that violate public health rules and cause disease outbreaks (like the recent Boar's Head debacle.)

No, instead we'll get anti-vax and neutricitical horseshit and rolling back of hygiene standards.

What's so frustrating about RFK in particular is THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS BETTER. He knows the number one sources of heavy metal poisoning (including mercury) are ENVIRONMENTAL, and result from things like coal-mining, fracking and our shit water infrastructure.

Yet, I don't expect we'll see any focus on the fact that American in the 21st century can't guarantee access to clean water for all of its citizens.

What a sick fucking joke.

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Paul
Nov 15

I spent my whole academic career specializing in parasites and diseases, and the evolution thereof, and in retirement I get THIS! Not prone to expletives, but FFFFFFFFFFFFF. And in answer to your question Jack, how about a little whooping cough, although it's hard to argue with some plague, lovely disease.

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