It’s our big Birthday Week, so we’re compiling some of our best posts over the first year (!) of our existence. Today, since it's Friday, we’re highlighting some of our favorite nonsense blogs over the past 12 months—the kind of stuff we do because we have no bosses and it's fun to do some psycho things!

To mark the occasion, we’ve taken down the paywall from an exclusive collection of posts that were previously available only to our paid subscribers. They’re now free for all of you to read! (Look for the words “UNLOCKED” in the headlines.)

We’re delighted to have made it to a year, but we need your help to get us to our second birthday! If you appreciate the work in this post, please consider becoming a paid subscriber so we can do even more of it. Subscriptions start at just $8 a month.

'An Easy Weeknight Chicken,' by Aleks Chan

3) On your return flight, befriend your seatmate and cajole them into sharing the loneliest moment of their life thus far. Hold that feeling close to your heart, and then look out the nearest window and ponder the eternity of love—that even through wars and plagues and ruin, love has endured, how the conception of humanity is based on the profound power of love. Shed a single tear from your left tear duct (your right will do in a pinch, it’ll just make the chicken a little salty) and let it slide down your face and down the curve of your chin and drop onto the herbs you picked. Dry the herbs.

'VOTE VOTE FUCK*ING VOTE YOU ANIMALS!!!! VOTEEEE OR ELSE !!!1,' by Katherine Krueger (UNLOCKED)

LADY GOO SAYS VOTE!!!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOU DUMB SLOB!!!! THERE’S NO TIME TO LOSE WHEN THE COVFEFE MAN IS ON THE BALLOT BOX!! A STAR IS BORN EVERY ELECTION DAY IN THE UNITED STATS!!!! MEAT DRESS WILL SAVE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY IF YOU JUST FREAKIN VOTE JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!

'Oatmeal Is Tearing Us Apart,' by Samantha Grasso

I have never regretted starting an independent, worker-owned publication with seven of my coworkers. So far it’s gone tremendously well! We have a community of people who support and actively engage with us, and we just launched this beautiful website. At least, I had no regrets until last night, when a troubling conflict arose between myself and three of my colleagues. Now, I’m questioning everything. The subject of this fight? Oatmeal.

'A Good Idea About Straws,' by Hamilton Nolan (UNLOCKED)

Perhaps no issue more vitally illustrates this vital issue than the issue of straws. Used to be you could get a plastic straw. Now you can only get paper straws, because of the environment. If you read my blog, however, I think you’ll find that most idiots have been looking at this issue all wrong—except for me. 

'This Brie Larson Car Commercial Is the Only Thing That’s Real to Me Anymore,' by Samantha Grasso

My brain does not exist anymore. In its place is this car commercial.

'Hogs,' by Rafi Schwartz

You know that phrase “like sands through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives”? Well, this is exactly like that, only instead of an hourglass, it’s a busy German intersection, and instead of sands, it’s hogs. So many hogs.

'I Would Simply Smack the Tiny Spy Drone,' by Jack Crosbie

Here is my question: what happens if the burglar simply decides to smack the small flying thing out of the air? That’s what I would do if I were a burglar, entering a home with the express purpose of robbing it. If I saw some flying-ass Roomba thing coming at me I would simply smash it with my hand or something I could grab to smash it with. A tennis racket, perhaps. If I were a burglar I would start bringing a tennis racket.

'I Am This Close to Losing It Over Ocean Galaxy Lights,' by Samantha Grasso

Maybe I am silly. Maybe I was just holding onto the lie that is purely viral tweets, a corner of Twitter that isn’t a reflection of the pandemic and racism and state violence and the climate crisis. But for months I have seen these tweets promoting something called an “Ocean Galaxy Light,” shared at the end of a thread that begins with a seemingly-random viral tweet.

'Who’s More Famous: The Rock or Ellen?' by Katherine Krueger (UNLOCKED)

This week in Discourse Slack—the birthplace of many a great blog—we got into a little debate. (It’s right there in our name—we don’t always agree!) It was pegged to the news that Ellen DeGeneres had tested positive for COVID-19.

Images: Photo via Ocean Galaxy Light, Screenshots via Twitter, remix by Samantha Grasso; Screengrab / Francis Scarr (Twitter); Screenshot via DiscourseBlog/Twitch; Photo via TheCulinaryGeek/Flickr, remix by Samantha Grasso; YouTube