Wow, Everyone Is Horny!!
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As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to spread, it’s impossible to predict the many seismic ways it will transform life as we once knew it. The problem is too vast, too deep-seated. But there’s one outcome of the virus—and the social distancing it hath wrought—that we should have seen coming from a mile away: People getting unbelievably horny on the TL.
Let’s take a look:
For context, the men in this photo are part of the Spanish Legion—a branch of the army modeled after the French Foreign Legion and known for its murderous, fascist legacy. So, even if you’re into their bachelorette party stripper look…the reality here is decidedly not sexy! Still, life finds a way (to be horny and keep the species going). The unit is apparently also known as the “Bridegrooms of Death,” which honestly would be sexy if they were a band playing at my high school talent show.
This tweet and the discussion that followed blew up for a day or two, but thirsting after weapons of militarization was just the tip…of the iceberg. From screenshots of horny texts to extended imaginings about living quarantine life with Ana de Armas (sorry, Ben Affleck got that job!), people all over the internet have been eager to externalize their unfulfilled sexual desires.
The number of tweets I’ve seen just about kissing alone in the last week, I swear!!! We needn’t get into the many shades of horny happening online right now (though for what it’s worth, I do not recommend searching Twitter for COVID-19/coronavirus/quarantine + horny), but here are a few choice examples:
Phew. It’s worth noting that there’s surely a large, and far less vocal population of people for whom this news cycle has had the opposite effect, zapping any sexual desire whatsoever. (Countless hours in an enclosed space with another human being, even your beloved, could also do it.) For all the post-quarantine babies people keep insisting we’ll see, there will be just as many, if not more, post-quarantine breakups.
A further digression: sex workers are among those suffering the most right now. Something to consider when you’re figuring out how you want to support businesses you value as our elected officials sit and ponder whether human life is more, less, or equally as valuable as the economy.
Finally, for what it’s worth, this is not an exercise in shame! People should absolutely shout these feelings into the void as long as they are not harmful to anyone else’s physical or mental wellbeing! We crave human contact! It makes sense!
The fact is, in this deeply weird time, many of us have found our thoughts reduced to life’s core elements: food, sex, and dread. In the span of about two weeks, we’ve become an army of animals in heat—channeling our most basic instincts and existential despair into bread baking and Animal Crossing. But for better or worse, these public displays of lust serve as a kind of undeniable testament to the human spirit.
We’re here, we’re carrying on, we still want to fuck. And that’s how we know we’re still alive.