OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. Deep breaths, everyone. THINGS ARE RAMPING UP.
Last week, 32 birds went feather-to-feather in the opening round of Fowl Hysteria 2024. Titans clashed! Rivals rivaled! And, for the most part, the losers lost big—like, really, really big. This was probably the biggest blowout round in the history of the world's first-ever bird-themed bracket tournament. The winners just dominated.
16 birds have flown off the field, and we wish them nothing but success in their future endeavors. Remember, just because you lose in Fowl Hysteria doesn’t mean you’re not a great bird. It takes so much drive, talent, and sheer brilliance just to make it to this contest in the first place. All the vanquished birds can hold their beaks up with pride.
But now we must turn to Round Two. 16 birds are left. The stakes are even higher. Here’s what the bracket looks like.
Did you feel that? That was the earth shifting on its axis thanks to the pure monumental force of these matchups. Now it’s over to you. Your votes decide who makes it to Round Three.
(If you are reading this in your email, you might get the “[Message clipped] View entire message” uhhh message because there are simply too many good birds for email to handle. Just click the link at the bottom of the email, which will take you to the complete post.)
Let’s do this.
ROUND TWO
Bat Falcon vs. Painted Bunting
Turns out the great white pelican was not so…great at defeating one of nature’s most focused predators. Now the bat falcon must contend with the painted bunting, a bird whose mind-boggling beauty should not distract from the fact that it absolutely walloped the poor pitta in the first round.
Antarctic Shag vs. Common Grackle
Voters looked at the Antarctic shag, they looked at the northern shrike, and they said “We’ll take the adorably weird-looking one over the psychopathic frog-impaler.” Which, the shrike also rules in our view, but we do understand the impulse. Now the shag must dispatch the grackle, the “beautiful goth bird” whose shimmering, intimidating aura muscled it past the toucan barbet.
Yellow-Billed Stork vs. Dracula Parrot
Two straight-up weirdo birds made it through to face each other. The picture of the stork makes us laugh every time. The dracula parrot is also iconically hilarious for not even being remotely vampiric in its habits. Which of these goofballs will you pick?
Cassowary vs. Resplendant Quetzal
We’ll be honest, we thought the drug-taking safe sex icons the great bustards would put up more of a challenge. But voters took one look at the cassowary and said “we’ll go with the unforgettable dinosaur bird.” The equally unforgettable quetzal had a similarly easy time romping past the great gray owl. But only one can make it to Round Three.
Scott’s Oriole vs. Freckled Duck
Here are two birds that make your eyes pop with delight and wonder at what nature can do. That yellow and black! Those freckles! It pains us that only one of these birds can win, but….only one of these birds can win. Good luck with that one.
Burrowing Owl vs. California Brown Pelicans
A cute little owl that lives underground was more popular than a kind of rude (but also amazing-looking) magpie. And a majestic pelican was more popular than seagulls, the birds that attack you if you are in Alfred Hitchcock movies (but are so awesome if you are on a ferry going to the Statue of Liberty). Go figure. Don’t worry, magpie and seagull. We still love you, and the dark anti-hero TV series you do together will take you far. And the birds that beat you now have to face each other.
Cowbirds vs. Cock-of-the-Rock
“Who is out here voting for cowbirds!!!” Bird of the Week stalwart Amelia wondered in Round One. “What is in your HEARTS.” Sometimes the villains are the fun ones, what can we say!! Now the cowbird has to use its fabled criminal charms to get past the cock-of-the-rock, a bird that is as strange and wacky as the cowbird is moody and mysterious.
Belted Kingfisher vs. Peregrine Falcon
And FINALLY. The peregrine falcon beat the Southern ground hornbill 87-13. Not a typo. But can this powerhouse dispatch the marvel of evolution that is the belted kingfisher? Over to you.
We don’t envy you this task, because all these birds are SO good. But we are very excited to see what you come up with. Happy voting, and see you next week!
A reminder: you can check out our complete Bird of the Week list here, and get in touch with your bird suggestions at hello@discourseblog.com.
I understand why kingfishers are getting crushed, peregrine falcons are incredible, but consider: kingfishers have teeny little feetsies and big beaks so they can burrow pretty deep into a river bank and not get stuck in there, think about how cute that is
The Falcons are going to be hard to unseat. I predict an all-raptor final.