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Man, What The Hell? Biden Bummer Edition
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Man, What The Hell? Biden Bummer Edition

Plus Musk, Mayo, Martians, and other dispatches from this cursed week.

Rafi Schwartz
May 1, 2020
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Welcome to Man, What the Hell?, a new series delving into the stories that made us go, “Man, what the hell?”

I simply cannot believe that the Democrats are gonna head into their abattoir of a national convention by propping up the bloody-eyed, beef jerky husk of Joe Biden—a man who, in spite of his emphatic denials to Mika Brzezinski, now has as much corroborating evidence of sexual assault against him as Brett “I LIKE BEER” Kavanaugh did at the time of his Supreme Court confirmation hearing—as their standard bearer. Well, no, strike that… Of course I can believe it. Ol’ Joe is the perfect avatar of a political party that’s so desperate to win back white racists in Des Moines, they’ll essentially ignore credible accusations of sexual assault if they think it’ll pick up a vote or two in the Rust Belt.

Never mind that more and more people came forward this week to say that former Biden staffer Tara Reade had contemporaneously described the then-senator forcing himself on her. Instead, the party is plowing ahead with Biden’s assumed coronation at the expense of actual elections in places like New York State, despite Biden’s own push to hold Wisconsin’s primary in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic.

I’m not saying the allegations against Biden are enough to sink him come November (although the DNC’s almost certain fuck-upery might be). If anything, we’ve seen time and again how few fucks America gives when it comes to electing accused sexual predators.

Anyway. Other stuff happened this week, too. Some good. Some bad. Some deranged. Let’s get to it. All of them made me say, “Man, what the hell?”

Thou Shalt Not COVID Your Neighbors’ Possessions.

For the past few weeks, hoards of shit-brained goobers have been massing at various state capitals to prove once and for all that Benjamin Franklin and George Washington would have been proud supporters of their GOD GIVEN RIGHT to marinate in coronavirus-seeped hair salons and movie theaters. And this week, one of North Carolina’s de-facto leaders of this “fuck you, I got mine” movement finally got hers.

Twitter avatar for @KaplanABC11Jonah Kaplan @KaplanABC11
BREAKING: A member of @TheRealReopenNC, the group leading #ReopenNC protests, confirms to @ABC11_WTVD she was an “asymptomatic COVID19 positive patient.” Asked if she attended last Tuesday’s parade, the person answered “No comment.” @ABC @NCEmergency @ncdhhs #coronavirusNC #abc11
Image

April 27th 2020

422 Retweets419 Likes

In a Facebook post, the COVID-carrying re-open organizer allegedly said she plans to attend another rally this week. Cool!

You? F. O.

The Navy has officially released footage of what it calls “unidentified aerial phenomena”—or what the rest of us call freaking aliens, man!!!!!

The above clips have been bouncing around online for a while now, but this week marks the first time the Navy has given the footage their officially official blessing.

And speaking of aliens…

Here’s a tweet. Go see a Star War.

I don’t really care about May 4th, because I don’t need Disney’s permission to spend a specific day making “pew pew” noises with my mouth and jerking off to Wookiee porn, thankyewverymush. Still, if next week’s Star Wars day is your thing, be careful what you tweet, lest Mickey Mouse come for your ass with phasers set to kill.

Twitter avatar for @disneyplusDisney+ @disneyplus
By sharing your message with us using #MayThe4th, you agree to our use of the message and your account name in all media and our terms of use here:
Terms of Use | The Walt Disney Companydisneytermsofuse.com

April 27th 2020

640 Retweets1,760 Likes

Here is another tweet that made me really think, man

Twitter avatar for @NYGovCuomoAndrew Cuomo @NYGovCuomo
Everyone has to think outside the box — because there is no box.

April 26th 2020

7,775 Retweets56,958 Likes

A fun statistic: 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. who think they have coronavirus would skip treatment because they’re worried it could bankrupt them, even though there’s a growing list of insurance backstops in place to mitigate the cost of COVID-19 testing and treatment. It’s almost like the American healthcare system is so fucked that it’s conditioned us to prefer having diseases to paying bills. Oh well, I guess this is just how we live—and eventually die—now.

Gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair.

Twitter avatar for @helsHelen Rosner @hels
This “clear lemon meringue pie” picture that I saw on Reddit is fucking me up, it haunts me
Image

April 28th 2020

623 Retweets5,020 Likes

Putting aside the fact that the only acceptable transparent food is vodka, the “lemon” in a lemon meringue pie should be CREAMY, not some stiff gelatin wedge covered in unnatural striations. Honestly, I’m furious at this thing. What the absolute hell? I hate the pie. Yes, I would still eat it.

Mayo vs. Mayo

Mike Pence, a sentient large toe who believes smoking doesn’t kill people, was filmed interacting with patients and staff at Minnesota’s Mayo Clinic on Tuesday with his face uncovered, despite the hospital’s extremely clear policy requiring face masks to be worn on the premises.

Twitter avatar for @TheoKeithTheo Keith @TheoKeith
Vice President Mike Pence is not wearing a mask during his visit to Mayo Clinic. Others in the room, including Gov. Tim Walz and U.S. Rep. Jim Hagedorn, wore masks. Earlier this month, Mayo began requiring all people to wear masks on campus.
Image

April 28th 2020

36 Retweets39 Likes

And wouldn’t you know it…

Twitter avatar for @MayoClinicMayo Clinic @MayoClinic
Mayo Clinic had informed @VP of the masking policy prior to his arrival today.

April 28th 2020

820 Retweets1,835 Likes

The clinic eventually deleted the above tweet, but that didn’t stop Pence from explaining that he chose not to wear the mask so he could look people “in the eye.”

Friends, I ask you: Does the Vice President understand how masks work?

Friends, I also ask you…

Twitter avatar for @elonmuskElon Musk @elonmusk
I am selling almost all physical possessions. Will own no house.

May 1st 2020

2,165 Retweets17,526 Likes
Twitter avatar for @elonmuskElon Musk @elonmusk
Tesla stock price is too high imo

May 1st 2020

1,951 Retweets12,331 Likes
Twitter avatar for @elonmuskElon Musk @elonmusk
Now give people back their FREEDOM

May 1st 2020

1,704 Retweets8,950 Likes
Twitter avatar for @elonmuskElon Musk @elonmusk
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air

May 1st 2020

191 Retweets1,366 Likes
Twitter avatar for @elonmuskElon Musk @elonmusk
Rage, rage against the dying of the light of consciousness

May 1st 2020

4,543 Retweets31,081 Likes
Twitter avatar for @elonmuskElon Musk @elonmusk
My gf @Grimezsz is mad at me

May 1st 2020

1,775 Retweets13,125 Likes

…what will it take for Elon Musk to simply sut da fuck up and focus on making beep boop cars and only occasionally explode-y rockets?

Sweeeeet Caroline (Bad Bad Bad)

I’m genuinely in awe of someone who thinks “I didn’t see the grotesque antisemitism because there were pretty colors” is an ironclad excuse.

Twitter avatar for @carolinecaloway◥◤Caroline Calloway @carolinecaloway
My privilege kept me from seeing the antisemetic undertones in this cartoon and I take full responsibility for that. I’m always learning and unlearning, but I really fucked up when I reposted this just because of a turquoise background. I sincerely apologize if I caused you harm.
Image

April 28th 2020

25 Retweets817 Likes

The galaxy brain is cleared for liftoff into the turquoise-tinged cosmic nebula.

Finally, here’s something nice for May Day.

Have a great weekend, comrades!


Did anything make you say “man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below!

(pic via Paramount Pictures— nothing to see here please disperse)

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Quasar Funk
May 3, 2020Liked by Rafi Schwartz

Microsoft got me this week. You’ll pry that extra space from my cold, dead hands.

https://apple.news/AANrh5qQ1SySTniYgrJD3GQ

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Mallycat94
May 2, 2020Liked by Rafi Schwartz

Beep boop car made me laugh, Biden made me laugh so hard I snorted....twice.

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