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Man, What The Hell? Biden Bummer Edition

Plus Musk, Mayo, Martians, and other dispatches from this cursed week.

Rafi Schwartz's avatar
Rafi Schwartz
May 01, 2020
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Man, What The Hell? Biden Bummer Edition
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Welcome to Man, What the Hell?, a new series delving into the stories that made us go, “Man, what the hell?”

I simply cannot believe that the Democrats are gonna head into their abattoir of a national convention by propping up the bloody-eyed, beef jerky husk of Joe Biden—a man who, in spite of his emphatic denials to Mika Brzezinski, now has as much corroborating evidence of sexual assault against him as Brett “I LIKE BEER” Kavanaugh did at the time of his Supreme Court confirmation hearing—as their standard bearer. Well, no, strike that… Of course I can believe it. Ol’ Joe is the perfect avatar of a political party that’s so desperate to win back white racists in Des Moines, they’ll essentially ignore credible accusations of sexual assault if they think it’ll pick up a vote or two in the Rust Belt.

Never mind that more and more people came forward this week to say that former Biden staffer Tara Reade had contemporaneously described the then-senator forcing himself on her. Instead, the party is plowing ahead with Biden’s assumed coronation at the expense of actual elections in places like New York State, despite Biden’s own push to hold Wisconsin’s primary in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic.

I’m not saying the allegations against Biden are enough to sink him come November (although the DNC’s almost certain fuck-upery might be). If anything, we’ve seen time and again how few fucks America gives when it comes to electing accused sexual predators.

Anyway. Other stuff happened this week, too. Some good. Some bad. Some deranged. Let’s get to it. All of them made me say, “Man, what the hell?”

Thou Shalt Not COVID Your Neighbors’ Possessions.

For the past few weeks, hoards of shit-brained goobers have been massing at various state capitals to prove once and for all that Benjamin Franklin and George Washington would have been proud supporters of their GOD GIVEN RIGHT to marinate in coronavirus-seeped hair salons and movie theaters. And this week, one of North Carolina’s de-facto leaders of this “fuck you, I got mine” movement finally got hers.

Twitter avatar for @KaplanABC11
Jonah Kaplan @KaplanABC11
BREAKING: A member of @TheRealReopenNC, the group leading #ReopenNC protests, confirms to @ABC11_WTVD she was an “asymptomatic COVID19 positive patient.” Asked if she attended last Tuesday’s parade, the person answered “No comment.” @ABC @NCEmergency @ncdhhs #coronavirusNC #abc11
Image
3:24 PM ∙ Apr 27, 2020
419Likes422Retweets

In a Facebook post, the COVID-carrying re-open organizer allegedly said she plans to attend another rally this week. Cool!

You? F. O.

The Navy has officially released footage of what it calls “unidentified aerial phenomena”—or what the rest of us call freaking aliens, man!!!!!

The above clips have been bouncing around online for a while now, but this week marks the first time the Navy has given the footage their officially official blessing.

And speaking of aliens…

Here’s a tweet. Go see a Star War.

I don’t really care about May 4th, because I don’t need Disney’s permission to spend a specific day making “pew pew” noises with my mouth and jerking off to Wookiee porn, thankyewverymush. Still, if next week’s Star Wars day is your thing, be careful what you tweet, lest Mickey Mouse come for your ass with phasers set to kill.

Twitter avatar for @disneyplus
Disney+ @disneyplus
By sharing your message with us using #MayThe4th, you agree to our use of the message and your account name in all media and our terms of use here:
disneytermsofuse.comTerms of Use | The Walt Disney Company
2:00 PM ∙ Apr 27, 2020
1,760Likes640Retweets

Here is another tweet that made me really think, man

Twitter avatar for @NYGovCuomo
Andrew Cuomo @NYGovCuomo
Everyone has to think outside the box — because there is no box.
5:01 PM ∙ Apr 26, 2020
56,958Likes7,775Retweets

A fun statistic: 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. who think they have coronavirus would skip treatment because they’re worried it could bankrupt them, even though there’s a growing list of insurance backstops in place to mitigate the cost of COVID-19 testing and treatment. It’s almost like the American healthcare system is so fucked that it’s conditioned us to prefer having diseases to paying bills. Oh well, I guess this is just how we live—and eventually die—now.

Gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair.

Twitter avatar for @hels
Helen Rosner @hels
This “clear lemon meringue pie” picture that I saw on Reddit is fucking me up, it haunts me
Image
2:51 PM ∙ Apr 28, 2020
5,020Likes623Retweets

Putting aside the fact that the only acceptable transparent food is vodka, the “lemon” in a lemon meringue pie should be CREAMY, not some stiff gelatin wedge covered in unnatural striations. Honestly, I’m furious at this thing. What the absolute hell? I hate the pie. Yes, I would still eat it.

Mayo vs. Mayo

Mike Pence, a sentient large toe who believes smoking doesn’t kill people, was filmed interacting with patients and staff at Minnesota’s Mayo Clinic on Tuesday with his face uncovered, despite the hospital’s extremely clear policy requiring face masks to be worn on the premises.

Twitter avatar for @TheoKeith
Theo Keith @TheoKeith
Vice President Mike Pence is not wearing a mask during his visit to Mayo Clinic. Others in the room, including Gov. Tim Walz and U.S. Rep. Jim Hagedorn, wore masks. Earlier this month, Mayo began requiring all people to wear masks on campus.
Image
6:01 PM ∙ Apr 28, 2020
39Likes36Retweets

And wouldn’t you know it…

Twitter avatar for @MayoClinic
Mayo Clinic @MayoClinic
Mayo Clinic had informed @VP of the masking policy prior to his arrival today.
6:18 PM ∙ Apr 28, 2020
1,835Likes820Retweets

The clinic eventually deleted the above tweet, but that didn’t stop Pence from explaining that he chose not to wear the mask so he could look people “in the eye.”

Friends, I ask you: Does the Vice President understand how masks work?

Friends, I also ask you…

Twitter avatar for @elonmusk
Elon Musk @elonmusk
I am selling almost all physical possessions. Will own no house.
3:10 PM ∙ May 1, 2020
17,526Likes2,165Retweets
Twitter avatar for @elonmusk
Elon Musk @elonmusk
Tesla stock price is too high imo
3:11 PM ∙ May 1, 2020
12,331Likes1,951Retweets
Twitter avatar for @elonmusk
Elon Musk @elonmusk
Now give people back their FREEDOM
3:15 PM ∙ May 1, 2020
8,950Likes1,704Retweets
Twitter avatar for @elonmusk
Elon Musk @elonmusk
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air
3:26 PM ∙ May 1, 2020
1,366Likes191Retweets
Twitter avatar for @elonmusk
Elon Musk @elonmusk
Rage, rage against the dying of the light of consciousness
4:08 PM ∙ May 1, 2020
31,081Likes4,543Retweets
Twitter avatar for @elonmusk
Elon Musk @elonmusk
My gf @Grimezsz is mad at me
4:17 PM ∙ May 1, 2020
13,125Likes1,775Retweets

…what will it take for Elon Musk to simply sut da fuck up and focus on making beep boop cars and only occasionally explode-y rockets?

Sweeeeet Caroline (Bad Bad Bad)

I’m genuinely in awe of someone who thinks “I didn’t see the grotesque antisemitism because there were pretty colors” is an ironclad excuse.

Twitter avatar for @carolinecaloway
◥◤Caroline Calloway @carolinecaloway
My privilege kept me from seeing the antisemetic undertones in this cartoon and I take full responsibility for that. I’m always learning and unlearning, but I really fucked up when I reposted this just because of a turquoise background. I sincerely apologize if I caused you harm.
Image
5:18 PM ∙ Apr 28, 2020
817Likes25Retweets

The galaxy brain is cleared for liftoff into the turquoise-tinged cosmic nebula.

Finally, here’s something nice for May Day.

Have a great weekend, comrades!


Did anything make you say “man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below!

(pic via Paramount Pictures— nothing to see here please disperse)


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Quasar Funk's avatar
Quasar Funk
May 3, 2020

Microsoft got me this week. You’ll pry that extra space from my cold, dead hands.

https://apple.news/AANrh5qQ1SySTniYgrJD3GQ

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Mallycat94's avatar
Mallycat94
May 2, 2020

Beep boop car made me laugh, Biden made me laugh so hard I snorted....twice.

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3 more comments...
Bari Weiss Is Full of Shit
Her big trans panic story turned out to be nonsense, just like everything else she does.
Mar 2, 2023 • 
Katherine Krueger
304

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Bari Weiss Is Full of Shit
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CNN's Disgraceful Propaganda
This segment from Dana Bash on the Palestine protest movement is one of the most shameful things I have ever seen on cable news.
May 2, 2024 • 
Jack Mirkinson
136

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CNN's Disgraceful Propaganda
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No Hell Is Hot Enough for Joe Biden
I hope he’s faced with the horror he’s wrought when judgment comes to meet him.
Jan 17 • 
Katherine Krueger
84

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No Hell Is Hot Enough for Joe Biden
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