Welcome to Man, What the Hell?, a new series delving into the stories that made us go, “Man, what the hell?”
It’s been less than a month since Minneapolis Police Officer Derek Cauvin knelt on George Floyd’s neck for almost nine minutes, killing him over an allegedly counterfeit $20 bill.
Since then, a massive uprising demanding for civil rights, social justice, and seismic police reform—if not outright abolition—has roiled the country from coast to coast, leaving cities both aflame and emancipated in its wake. At the same time, police departments, sensing that the tide has dramatically, albeit nebulously, turned against them, responded by staging a series of violent riots and other acts of aggression (both passive and otherwise) against protesters, lawmakers, and pretty much anyone who might threaten their conspicuously mafia-esque positions of authority.
Given what has likely become the most fraught, fucked up couple of weeks in years, if not decades, it’s pretty understandable that people are—emotionally, physically, and in pretty much every other way imaginable—exhausted. It makes sense, then, that any sign of progress, no matter how tentative or dubiously effective, could be seen as a lifeboat in the choppy waters of radical change. Who wouldn’t be relieved at the opportunity to latch themselves onto some vague notion of progress, and then call it a day?
It’s bullshit. What’s more, it’s the same sort of bullshit that plenty of us—myself included, and maybe you too!—have used to soothe our troubled souls for far too long, without taking into account the scale and scope of what actually needs to happen for things to get better. It’s not serious progress. It’s baby steps when we need leaps.
To be clear, I’m talking about things like passing a city ordinance against no-knock warrants while the police who killed Breonna Taylor when they accidentally burst into her home, rather than the one they were told to serve, still walk free.
These are not, I suppose, terrible ideas in and of themselves (well, except for the “more money for cops” thing, which quite simply sucks ass). But they’re also not nearly enough. What they are is a failure of imagination and constitution in response to a historic opportunity for real, significant change. “Don’t be fooled” we wrote earlier this week in regards to politicians hoping you’ll accept their limp attempts to placate the growing calls for social justice, all so they can maintain the same status quo that elevated them to their very positions. To that I would add: “Don’t fool yourself.” Don’t fool yourself into thinking that doing something is the equivalent of actually doing enough. It’s not, and we still have a long way to go.
In any case, here’s what else you might have missed.
The greatest schmo on Earth
That Florida Sen. Marco Rubio is one of the dumbest, most cravenly opportunistic smooth-brains in Washington is, at this point, beyond debate. Still, it’s nice to be surprised at just how stupid the thirsty dingleberry on the ass of America’s most phallic state truly is—stupid enough, it turns out, to sound the klaxons over a squadron of antifa’s most super-duper super-soldiers threatening the good people of Ohio (arguably a contradiction in terms) only to learn later that the armed goons Rubio was so worried about were actually a group of hippie-dippy circus performers. Their “bats, rocks, and other weapons,” as Rubio warned, turned out to be juggling clubs, crystals, and a meat cleaver intended to, wouldn’t you know it, cleave meat for the troupe’s dinner.
Marco, you dumb goober. Stick to doing what you’re best at: running for president and losing.
Speaking of thirsty soup brains…
Truly an inspiring performance from the commander-in-chief before a crowd of his newest military officers.
Put it on his bill
A duck walks into a bar. This is not a joke. It is a thing that happened in New Zealand (a country I’m still not fully convinced is actually real) where, after waddling through the doors, the fowl allegedly chugged a brewski and got the shit kicked out of him by a dog which was also in the bar, for some reason.
This isn’t news. It’s just a baby rabbit I found the other day hanging out next to my window. Look at this guy!
What’s the scoop?
Please, I beg of you: explain this monstrosity to me.
Is the Trump Jupiter golf club serving a lump of chicken salad shoved into a hollowed out tomato? Is that what’s happening here? Is this fine dining? Is this legal?
Statue of limitations
It’s been a bad week for racist statues and the dipshits who love them. Homages to Klansmen, Confederates, and revered Italian slavers have either been—or will likely soon be—removed from their vaulted places of glory. To which I say: Good riddance, pto pto pto.
Still, since a segment of the population seems fundamentally incapable of functioning these days unless they have some sort of graven image to revere, allow me to suggest the following statues which we can all agree are Very Good:
Bronz Fonz - Milwaukee, WI
The Mothman - Point Pleasant, WV
Man Attacked by Babies - Oslo, Norway
Otto the Big Otter - Fergus Falls, MN
Mock it, Man
Frankly, I’m speechless.
Finally, it’s time to…
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below!
(pic via Lucasfilm LTD/Walt Disney Studios - MORE!)