Sigh, it's April Fools Day, the dumbest "holiday" around. It's a day to be subjected to a string of tedious "pranks" and "fake-outs" and lord, just let it be over please.

Normally I would not bother with April Fools content, but the following tweet was just too egregious to overlook:

Paddington @paddingtonbear

I don't like marmalade anymore.

April 1st 2021

11,403 Retweets152,165 Likes

Cue me grinding my teeth so hard they shatter.

Paddington. PADDINGTON. You are the star of an iconic series of children's books and two movies, one of which (Paddington 2) is one of the most perfect films of the 21st century. (Side note: for an in-depth, delightfully good breakdown of Paddington 2, please turn to Poddington Padcast, the very real, very excellent podcast my colleague Caitlin Schneider made with her other half Tony about this work of art.) You are a bear with dignity, kindness, common sense, and innate class. You make the world a better place.

Paddington, April Fools is beneath you. This engagement with one of our shabbiest, most useless traditions is beneath you! If we know ONE THING about you, Paddington, it's that you love marmalade. You have made this clear so many times! You are always pushing your recipe for it to anyone who will listen, as seen in the following video put out by (checks notes) you and your team.

Paddington, we know it's not true that you don't like marmalade. It is your sun and your moon, and also the thing that prevents you from starving and dying. Do not insult yourself, or us, by pretending otherwise in service of the most tiresome day of the year. Marmalade is what has made you the wonderful bear you are. Embrace that, always! You are usually the giver of hard stares, but today, sadly, you deserve to be the recipient of one.