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The Gaetz of Hell
What is Matt Gaetz's freakin' deal??? ALSO: Did a congressman say 'betting on the cum'?
Just now, the House of Representatives voted to remove Kevin McCarthy as its speaker—the first time it has ever removed any speaker of the House in its history. The vote was 216-210.
What happens next? No one knows! What’s sure is that there’s no real reason to care about McCarthy or what his future holds. Fuck him. The man is like a rectal polyp with hair.
More interesting is Matt Gaetz, the subject of this blog. Gaetz is “a fascist and a total scumbag,” as Paul put it in our Slack. He’s also the center of gravity of the GOP House caucus, which is bad news all around. Although Gaetz thinks pretty highly of himself, within the hallowed halls of Congress he might be the only one. As New York GOP Rep. Anthony Despo told reporters on Tuesday: “The consensus is that Matt Gaetz is an asshole.”
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Boy is he.
Whether it’s pushing the government to the brink of shutdown, pushing McCarthy toward unemployment, or pushing underaged teenagers into bed with him (allegedly, and he wasn’t charged!!!) the one defining through-line for Gaetz is that he is an unrepentant, wholly without shame asshole. A slimy piece of shit who exists for no other reason than to attach himself, lamprey-style, to bigger, slimier pieces of shit, so he can bask in the faint radiance of whatever genuine power and influence they might actually possess.
Seriously, strip away his mealy-mouthed lip service towards deficit reduction or fiscal responsibility or whatever generic Republican talking point he’s dry-humping this week, and ask yourself: what does Matt Gaetz actually stand for? I mean, what does he deep down in his heart of heart (or whichever organ of his is the closest approximation) really believe in?
Got nothin’, huh? Of course you don’t. Because there’s nothing there to begin with. No belief system, no sense of higher purpose. Just an enormous ego stored in Gaetz’s enormous forehead.
Consider his latest gambit to depose Kevin McCarthy—why is this happening? A good chunk of Republicans (including McCarthy himself) would tell you it’s payback for the House daring to investigate extremely credible allegations that Gaetz is a total sleaze. That’s it! That’s all there is to it. It’s nothing more complicated than Matt Gaetz throwing a real diaper-filler of a tantrum because the nerds in the school cafeteria narced him out to the hall monitor for being a dickhead.
Also, look at this face. Look long and deep. Really take it all in.
Somehow this face is both too symmetrical and too lopsided at the exact same time…?? He looks like Beavis, from Beavis & Butthead, had procreative sex with Butthead, from Beavis & Butthead. I’m begging someone to ship this horrible punim back to the uncanny valley it crawled out of, and then dynamite the entire valley so it can never escape again. My god.
Where does Gaetz go from here? Who knows. All his coworkers hate him, and while he’s widely believed to be setting up a 2026 Florida gubernatorial run, Gaetz has emphatically denied he’s got any plans to fill Ron DeSantis’ lifted boots. What does that leave, then? A lucrative career in cable news? Maybe, but the thing about smarmy assholes is that while they might be barely tolerable in three-minute sound-byte chunks, the only thing a network would get from giving Gaetz an entire TV show is a bunch of advertisers selling anti-nausea pills to an audience prone to barfing every time that face comes on screen.
There’s no real takeaway here. No big lesson to learn. Gaetz is, and will forever be a huge asshole, and — depressingly — will probably never really suffer any material consequences for it. As he himself bragged during Tuesday’s vote on McCarthy’s ouster: “Ohhh, boo all you want.”
A true asshole doesn’t care about being an asshole, and almost always gets away with it, too. It’s a shame, but that’s how things work these days. Still, what’s the point of owning a blog like this if we can’t take a moment to sit back, look at the world around us, and say with confidence and conviction: “Now that guy there? He’s a real asshole.”
Speaking of saying things with confidence and conviction, here’s Arizona Republican Andy Biggs cautioning his colleagues not to “bet on cum” during the debate over McCarthy’s future. I’m told this is a gambling term, but I choose not to care. God bless America.