i don't think it's fair to ascribe this level of good faith to people who air dirty laundry about their own child to a national media publication with a notable record of transphobia. someone who is willing to speak to a news reporter and say, “The school is telling me that I have to jump on the bandwagon and be completely supportive ...…
i don't think it's fair to ascribe this level of good faith to people who air dirty laundry about their own child to a national media publication with a notable record of transphobia. someone who is willing to speak to a news reporter and say, “The school is telling me that I have to jump on the bandwagon and be completely supportive ... There is only so much and so far that I’m willing to go right now" is not someone who accepts their child's identity. someone who drives their son away ("He had tried to come out to his parents before, he said, but they didn’t take it seriously") and makes him feel, in his own words, like he's "not good enough" is fucking things up on a fundamental level. parenting is hard, but that's what they signed up for. it doesn't give someone license to do... whatever THIS is.
i'd also like to respond to the notion of "mourning the son it turns out you never had". in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis. the feelings that they described as "grief" and "loss" were actually, in my estimation, the pain of experiencing cognitive dissonance as their falsely-constructed ideas about my personality became incompatible with reality.
in contrast, the people in my life who saw me first and foremost as a human being, rather than filtering me through preconceived notions of gender, did not need any adjustment or mourning period. they understood that there was no real change being discussed; from that point on, i would simply be *more myself*, and there would only be more opportunities for understanding, togetherness, and closeness.
let me give an illustrative example: when i came out to my family, my mother—a lifelong liberal and supporter of queer rights—was shocked and terrified, because she knew that the risk of suicide is significantly higher for trans people. in her mind, i was suddenly in danger of harming myself when last week i had been fine. on the other hand, my (now ex-)girlfriend's dad—a conservative libertarian—told me that, while he "didn't understand it", he was happy that i had come out because he had looked at those *same stats* and saw that my risk factor had actually gone *down*.
despite what he said, he understood what my mother did not—that i was always this way, and that coming-out is not a life-changing transformation, but simply a revelation of truth that was always there.
you're not wrong that parenting is hard. you're not wrong that people are underserved by hostile institutions like the New York Times. but personally, i can't excuse anyone for the behavior the Bradshaws display here, because aside from any political or cultural disagreement, it implies a willingness to put their own biases above the real and vital needs of their child.
I appreciate your perspective and am heartened by your ex's father's response, and the responses of those who see you as a human rather than a statistic. I'm not trying to excuse the actions of parents running to the press instead of trying to understand their child; that's shitty and does nothing to help them unite as a family. I just tried, probably ham-handedly, to have some sympathy for the parents in this situation, mostly because There But For the Grace of God Go I.
It's just exhausting to ascribe bad faith to everything in the world, even though that's probably where we're at right now. Thank you for your perspective and for responding to me in good faith.
“in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis.”
I know this was not directed at me but that sentence has opened up a portal in the conversation that I think needs exploring: there’s a huge lack of analysis on not the gender roles and stereotypes our society enforces, but rather how subtle and seamless the socialization of it all is. Even those who are more socially aware still fall into this trap which makes everyone suffer (especially for those breaking away from them for their own sanity/health).
i don't think it's fair to ascribe this level of good faith to people who air dirty laundry about their own child to a national media publication with a notable record of transphobia. someone who is willing to speak to a news reporter and say, “The school is telling me that I have to jump on the bandwagon and be completely supportive ... There is only so much and so far that I’m willing to go right now" is not someone who accepts their child's identity. someone who drives their son away ("He had tried to come out to his parents before, he said, but they didn’t take it seriously") and makes him feel, in his own words, like he's "not good enough" is fucking things up on a fundamental level. parenting is hard, but that's what they signed up for. it doesn't give someone license to do... whatever THIS is.
i'd also like to respond to the notion of "mourning the son it turns out you never had". in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis. the feelings that they described as "grief" and "loss" were actually, in my estimation, the pain of experiencing cognitive dissonance as their falsely-constructed ideas about my personality became incompatible with reality.
in contrast, the people in my life who saw me first and foremost as a human being, rather than filtering me through preconceived notions of gender, did not need any adjustment or mourning period. they understood that there was no real change being discussed; from that point on, i would simply be *more myself*, and there would only be more opportunities for understanding, togetherness, and closeness.
let me give an illustrative example: when i came out to my family, my mother—a lifelong liberal and supporter of queer rights—was shocked and terrified, because she knew that the risk of suicide is significantly higher for trans people. in her mind, i was suddenly in danger of harming myself when last week i had been fine. on the other hand, my (now ex-)girlfriend's dad—a conservative libertarian—told me that, while he "didn't understand it", he was happy that i had come out because he had looked at those *same stats* and saw that my risk factor had actually gone *down*.
despite what he said, he understood what my mother did not—that i was always this way, and that coming-out is not a life-changing transformation, but simply a revelation of truth that was always there.
you're not wrong that parenting is hard. you're not wrong that people are underserved by hostile institutions like the New York Times. but personally, i can't excuse anyone for the behavior the Bradshaws display here, because aside from any political or cultural disagreement, it implies a willingness to put their own biases above the real and vital needs of their child.
I appreciate your perspective and am heartened by your ex's father's response, and the responses of those who see you as a human rather than a statistic. I'm not trying to excuse the actions of parents running to the press instead of trying to understand their child; that's shitty and does nothing to help them unite as a family. I just tried, probably ham-handedly, to have some sympathy for the parents in this situation, mostly because There But For the Grace of God Go I.
It's just exhausting to ascribe bad faith to everything in the world, even though that's probably where we're at right now. Thank you for your perspective and for responding to me in good faith.
thank you for the same 🤝
“in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis.”
I know this was not directed at me but that sentence has opened up a portal in the conversation that I think needs exploring: there’s a huge lack of analysis on not the gender roles and stereotypes our society enforces, but rather how subtle and seamless the socialization of it all is. Even those who are more socially aware still fall into this trap which makes everyone suffer (especially for those breaking away from them for their own sanity/health).