Donald Trump Finally Stumbles On a Good Idea

Is it legal or moral? No. But!

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There are a lot of flaws in the founding myth of American society — that it would be equal, that it would be just, that it was designed for anyone but a certain cadre of wigged-out assholes who didn’t want to pay taxes — but one very base tenet that we really got right from the jump was “no kings.” No kings! Simple as. No kings. Monarchs? Not in this country, bub. No way no how. No sir. Despite the fact that human civilization has often organized itself around hereditary dynasties with absolute power for millennia, the guys who thought up “America” were pretty clear on the fact that we were not going to go down that road. That’s good!

Which brings us to Harry Windsor. Formerly (and maybe still?) Prince Harry, Duke of… hang on… Sussex, husband to Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, technically still, I think, third in line to the British throne. [Ed. note: Incorrect, he’s fifth in line.] All of that is… well.. complicated, and I will let Jack Mirkinson really get into the weeds with it next time he blogs about something absurd the royals do, but the part I want to focus on is that Harry Windsor is currently a resident of the United States of America.

Something is odd about that. Yes, Harry’s wife is American. So, begrudgingly, he has the right to live here. But what I presuppose is… what if he didn’t? He’s only a prince, sure, but we seem to be getting veeeeery close to the “no kings” rule here, what with Harry and Meg living up in Montecito, a bizarre section of the California coast where many residents own what can charitably be described as “palaces.” Harry… get outta here. Go home.

Imagine my delight and distress this morning when I woke up to find that I had gained a powerful ally in my quest to rid the US of monarchs: former President Donald Trump. I say delight, because Harry can get bent, but also distress, because this is Trump’s reasoning. Per the New York Post:

Former President Donald Trump warned Tuesday in an interview with British television that if he is elected in November, Prince Harry may face deportation from the US if he is found to have lied about his drug use on his visa paperwork.

The Duke of Sussex’s immigration status has become the subject of a legal battle after Harry admitted to taking illegal drugs in his memoir, “Spare,” which was released last year.

GB News presenter Nigel Farage asked Trump, 77, whether Harry, 39, should have “special privileges” if he is discovered to have lied on his application for a US visa. 

“No,” Trump answered. “We’ll have to see if they know something about the drugs, and if he lied, they’ll have to take appropriate action.”

When pressed on whether “appropriate action” might mean deportation, Trump left open the possibility.

“Oh, I don’t know. You’ll have to tell me. You just have to tell me. You would have thought they would have known this a long time ago,” the 45th president said.

Hm. Hmmmmm. Trump obviously said this in his rhetorical musing style, but let’s take him seriously for a moment. Now. Deporting people for minor recreational drug use? I cannot support that in any way shape or form. Unless? That person is a monarch? You see my moral dilemma here. Trump and I obviously hate Harry for different reasons — Trump because Harry disrespected his grandmother the queen, me because Harry is a living embodiment of an archaic system of rule that should only ever find its way into a guillotine and whose continued presence in modern society is an affront to every taxpayer who has ever supported him (in the US and GB) — but we are united on the opinion that maybe he should leave.

It’s tempting to point out that of the currently living royals (although how many of them are actually alive is a subject of some debate at the moment) Harry is probably the least objectionable. He also seems to want to be king the least out of anyone connected to the throne. These are laudatory qualities, however the fact remains that he is a monarch — and I can think of no more fitting punishment to would-be royalty than having to live out the rest of their days in England, of all places. So there you have it. Donald Trump and I both do not want Prince Harry in our country. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the only one of us that could have the power to affect that circumstance is Trump, the man with an open desire for absolute rule. It looks like either way you slice it — Trump wins and sends Harry home, Trump loses and Harry gets to stay — American ends up with the shadow of monarchy hanging over its fertile fields (luxury grocery stores in California wine country). Alas. Turns out those founding fathers didn’t do such a great job after all.