FOWL HYSTERIA 2023: ROUND 3
We're down to just eight birds!!!!!!
We thought nothing could be more exciting, suspenseful, and tumultuous than Round 1 of Fowl Hysteria™, the world’s first-ever bracket-based bird tournament.1
But then Round 2 happened, and now things are getting EVEN MORE interesting.
We entered Round 2 with 16 birds flying at each other. We enter Round 3 with just eight birds left. That’s right: there are so few birds left that I have to write the number out to adhere to our style guide.
This is a rare and special octet. You might even call it…elite. Or you might not! Who’s to say.
Let’s give you the bracket as it currently appears.
So this is quite fascinating. Some of these matchups were very very close, but other birds won their rounds without so much as breaking a little avian sweat. We’re not going to make any predictions, but from the looks of it, certain birds are emerging as the Birds to Beat in the upcoming rounds.
OK, here we go. Eight birds enter the ring. ONLY FOUR CAN MOVE ON. WHO WILL IT BE??????? ONLY YOUR VOTES DECIDE.
A Reminder of How This Works
It’s pretty simple. There are eight birds, so that means four different matchups for this second round. We’ve created polls for every single matchup, and made sure to provide you with the links to the relevant bird blogs so you can refresh your memory if you need. All you have to do is vote for the bird of your choice in each poll! You have a week to vote, and then, next Friday, we’ll tell you which birds made it to the Final Fo—uh, to the Ultimate Quartet.
And remember: this is all for fun, and every single one of these birds is spectacular.
OK. LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!
ROUND 3!!!
Last week, we wondered whether the surprising dominance of the common potoo in Round 1 was due to the Baltimore oriole’s unfortunate association with Maryland’s terrible flag. This week we had our answer: sure seems like it! That’s because, while the potoo easily took out the oriole, it was no match for the glorious American crow, which soared to a 67-33 rout—an even more lopsided win than its 64-36 victory in Round 1. (Pour one out for the potoo, a truly remarkable bird who we know will do great things in the future.)
Could the crow go all the way??? Only if it manages to get past the awe-inspiring indigo bunting, which brushed the hooded merganser aside in round 1 and then, in what feels like a real bracket-busting upset, tussled its way to a close win over the much larger and more fearsome shoebill in round 2.
The northern flicker had a long and arduous road to this round. More specifically, it’s the first bird that had to do a bonus round to move forward, because its round 2 match against the fruit doves ended in a 50-50 split! We were forced to do a second lightning round poll on Twitter to break the tie, and the flicker came out on top. The drama!!!!
Now the flicker is up against another classic American bird, the cedar waxwing. Please, whatever you do, just make sure one of these birds gets over the line this round!
Both the bumblebee hummingbird and the secretary bird have been incredibly dominant headed into round 3—neither has gotten below 60 percent in either round! But only one of them can emerge the winner here.
On the surface, these two birds couldn’t seem more different. One is literally the size of a thumb and devours nectar and the other is gigantic and stomps on its victims. But, as we have seen from this contest, the hummingbird can throw down when it needs to, just like the secretary bird. Will the hummingbird prevail this time, or will the secretary bird bat its luxuriant eyelashes and crush its way to round 4?
This is a very intriguing matchup between two birds that are each entirely unique in their own ways. In one corner, the world’s only alpine parrot, an adorable ACAB anarchist, and a New Zealand icon. In another, the world’s only animal with a mostly boned-based diet, an artistic titan, and a subject of mythical fascination. Both the kea and the lammergeier won their matchups in round 2 by a very tight 52-48 margin, so it’s anyone’s guess who will come out on top this time.
OK, that’s it. VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!!!!!! And tune in next week for Round 4!
A reminder: you can check out our complete Bird of the Week list here, and get in touch with your bird suggestions at hello@discourseblog.com.
Nobody has come forward to quibble with this assertion, so it’s canon now.
Protesting this and all future rounds as illegitimate because I refuse to believe my beloved shoebill could lose. Clearly, some dominion-esque voting shenanigans have gone down and, sadly, even Discourse Blog has now become part of the deep state matrix cathedral. No worry, the shoebill storm is coming and patriots (i.e., those of us who still support and have not abandoned the virtuous, mighty, very handsome shoebill) will soon be in control once more. From hell’s heart I stab at thee indigo bunting!!!
Sure the Kea likes to tear apart police cars, but do they spend years training their offspring to air-drop bones on the choicest rocks as their forebears did before them? Is there anything cooler than that?