Poll: Which President Looks Worse?
An important electoral question.
I start this blog with a caveat: judging people by their appearance is bad. It’s crass and simple and small minded and generally the sort of thing mean spirited pastime best left to the professionals (mean teenagers).
There is, however, one exception to this otherwise fairly ironclad rule: it’s ok to do it to the president. The most powerful people on Earth employ an army of world-class stylists, makeup artists, and personal shoppers all tasked with making their bosses look physically appealing as humanly possible, which means that when they inevitably fail, it’s good to point it out, if only as a social corrective to the immeasurable wealth and influence these people wield.
Anyway, woof, both Joe Biden and and Donald Trump are lookin’ rough these days, huh? Just real, real shitty. It’s like they’re each offering a real masterclass in “how to be an old dude who look like he’s on the verge of either crumbling to dust like an Indiana Jones villain or exploding into a wet pile of ichor and excrement.”
I mean, look at these guys. Really look at them:
Here’s Trump this weekend at the Saudi-sponsored golf tournament held at his private Bedminster, NJ course-cum-corpse repository:
Remember that scene in the first X-Men movie where the bigoted senator gets turned into a mutant jellyfish and then just implodes into a gooey mess? Yeah.
I mean, my god…
Here’s a guy who sure seems comfortable in his own skin, right folks?
Look, when a master of artistic grotesqueries doesn’t even need to sketch an illustration of the man, and can post a picture of the dude looking like a sweaty howler monkey instead, that’s how you know you’re dealing with a real special case of “resembles a Hefty bag full of shit”-itis.
Is it the fact that he somehow looks both uncomfortably dry, and upsettingly damp at the exact same time? Is it that his skin, hair, and lips all look like different shades of undercooked chicken? For a guy who revels in vanity, the dude looks like an extruded hernia, with just a little bit of billionaire attached.
Meanwhile, in the other corner we have current president and COVID addict Joe Biden, the oldest president in American history, who attempted to tamp down concern over his Coronavirus infection in a Weekend at Bernie’s-esque video that only served to highlight each and every one of his 79 years on Earth.
A picture of health and vigor, and no you can’t hear the Grail Knight saying “he chose poorly” in the background, nope, no way.
Oh, and then there was the second, even more uncomfortable proof of life clip, after Biden re-contracted COVID in a Paxlovid rebound.
I gotta say: nothing makes me feel more at ease than shaky, inaudible footage of someone who clearly should be in bed with maybe a bowl of soup and some Gatorade instead of trying to convince people he isn’t a 79-year-old with his second severe respiratory disease in as many weeks. Everything about this feels wrong: leaning on the railing, the casual sunglasses removal, the quick pan to the extremely patient dog…the whole thing feels carefully calibrated to distract from the fact that the man himself seems exhausted and wrung out.
So there you have it: the two men most likely to either remain in, or retake the White House in two years time. They both look rough. But who, I ask, looks worse? Sound off below.
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