Let me start out by saying that I firmly believe that Madison Cawthorn has never been invited to an orgy in his entire life.

There are a couple reasons for this, namely, that hosting a successful evening of consensual group sex requires everyone involved feeling safe and comfortable, which is unlikely around a credibly accused sexual predator, and the fact that Cawthorn has the charisma of an ice cold enema.

Cawthorn’s recent claims of having witnessed some of his conservative heroes horking up key bumps and planning full blown bacchanalias notwithstanding, I simply cannot imagine that anyone hosting a high powered sex party for Washington D.C.’s political elite would want him around when things get going, or that anyone would feel comfortable sniffing coke in his general vicinity. Nevertheless, Cawthorn’s comments have landed him in (relatively) hot water with his fellow conservatives, who are apparently more angry about his big fat mouth than the rampant kinky sex and drug use allegedly in their midst.

If it’s true, Maddy, name names — or at least name the much cooler staffer who you probably overheard bragging about the time they were invited to a fun drug orgy. Stolen valor includes repeating someone else’s party stories too, y’know.

Veracity of Cawthorn’s claims aside, they certainly seem to have touched a nerve with Cawthorn’s colleagues in the GOP, who are allegedly livid at their freshman colleague for spilling the beans about all their alleged seedy sex and drug parties.

Olivia Beavers @Olivia_Beavers

Multiple sources tell me Leader Kevin McCarthy says he plans to talk to freshman Rep. Madison Cawthorn over his orgy remarks Told several House Rs stood up who were upset. They said it wasn’t ok, they don’t believe it, etc

March 29th 2022

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Olivia Beavers @Olivia_Beavers

Hear Rep. Steve Womack stood up, said he hardly ever stands to talk, he has to say something about this bc now he is getting Qs about which members partaking in orgies after Cawthorn suggested they are happening in DC along w/ the use of cocaine. Told Cawthorn not there this am.

March 29th 2022

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Of the many sins Cawthorn has committed during his first year in office — encouraging an armed coup, being a raging anti-semite, being incredibly dumb, etc — none rose to the level of “problem” for the Republican party to date, because they were all essentially unrefined versions of the GOP’s core tenants. Sure, he could have been a little more tactful, and gussied up his bigotry in fancier, more “civil” terms, but at the end of the day, he was merely acting as the uninhibited id of party’s existing mindset. The Kevin McCarthys and Steve Womacks of the world can only really criticize the fact that he wasn’t quite as discrete about what they all really believe as they’d like.

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When it comes to the alleged orgies and coke, though? Here Cawthorn made a fatal error: he made the GOP look bad. God forbid anyone think that some Republicans might deign to engage in enthusiastic, chemically fueled sex! That some members of the GOP (along with a sizable segment of the entire human species) almost certainly do those things is beside the point. McCarthy and Womack aren’t mad that these things are happening — and unless it actually affects you, personally, you shouldn’t be either. Instead, they’re actually mad at Cawthorn for grandstanding at the expense of other Republicans. This, it turns out, is a bigger no-no than if he’d actually done the bump and joined the hump himself. As Politico reported following Tuesday’s House GOP Conference meeting, Womack’s main objection to Cawthorn’s comments seem to be that many Republicans “go to bed at 9 p.m. and still use fax machines and flip phones” and so painting them all as sexy drug-doers without being specific about who was actually doing the sex and drugs was an unfair over-generalization. How terrible!

For the time being, I can’t imagine McCarthy’s scold-session for Cawthorn will consist of anything more than “just…just shut up, please, it’s an election year.” It’s not like the GOP has the interest or ability to keep its members in check. And if Cawthorn really was asked to join in a Republican sex party I doubt he’ll be invited back anytime soon.