What Goes on In Samuel Alito's Brain?
The master of the dark art of legal hypotheticals has only ever used his power for evil.
The “Law.” What is it? Is it words written in a book, or etched into stone tablets given from on high? Can you touch it? Feel it? Do you think about it as you busy yourself with the jejune of daily existence? In this country, The Law is predominantly the purview of jurists like legislators, lawyers, and above all else: judges. These are people who have dedicated themselves to the mastery of their craft to such a degree that The Law is often abstracted away from anything resembling reality — even as they use it to dictate the lives of millions at a time.
Nowhere in America is that schism between “reality” and “abstraction” more pronounced that in the hallowed chambers of the United States Supreme Court — an institution made up up of people who will, for the rest of their lives, breathe only the most rarefied air on Earth while they condemn the rest of us to suck smog ‘til we croak. Even justices with ostensibly “good” intentions have to be more than a little crazy to make it onto the SCOTUS bench; no one can immerse themselves in that much legal arcana for that long with that much intensity without being a being a little bit of a kook to begin with. And as we’ve seen time and time again the majority of the court does not have good intentions when it comes to anyone who isn’t white, straight, male, and Christian. Sometimes, these members of the court say what they’re about in in plain language. Other times, well, there’s Justice Samuel Alito.
Here’s Alito on Monday, during arguments over whether Lorie Smith, a Colorado web designer can publicly post a message saying she refuses to to create wedding websites for same-sex couples.
Now, first of all, JDate has been around for twenty five years. This is not some niche kink corner of the internet, they make jokes about it on the broadest network sitcoms imaginable. If Alito weren’t a total weirdo living in an entirely theoretical world of “what if” scenarios concocted to justify his own bigotry, he’d probably know that. What he does seem to know is Ashley Madison, a dating website for people to cheat on their partners. Ha ha ha. Incredible comedy, I guess?
Here’s another “fun” hypothetical from the overworked hamster spinning its wheel to power Alito’s mega-brain:
What does this have to do with the actual, physical, extremely non-hypothetical world? Nothing. Not a single thing. It’s all just riddles and brain games for this guy, so he can say he’s covered all the angles before making the decision he’s obviously going to make. And here, I should mention: the case being argued? Also hypothetical – which is to say, it’s totally made up. The web designer who wants to legally discriminate against LGBTQ couples hasn’t actually been asked to design anyone’s website yet. As Smith’s petition to the court clearly states in its very first paragraph (emphasis mine):
Artist Lorie Smith is a website designer who creates original, online content consistent with her faith. She plans to (1) design wedding websites promoting her understanding of marriage, and (2) post a statement explaining that she can only speak messages consistent with her faith. But the Colorado Anti-Discrimination Act (CADA) requires her to create custom websites celebrating same-sex marriage and prohibits her statement—even though Colorado stipulates that she “work[s] with all people regardless of … sexual orientation.”
Nothing has happened yet! None of it is real! It’s all just abstract quantum possibilities to muddle over while Alito cracks wise about cheating on spouses and kids wearing Klan robes. This is all just legal fanfic in the ultimate service of state sanctioned discrimination. But hey, at least Alito’s having fun with it, right?
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Within "the hallowed chambers of the United States Supreme Court", there is an assassin of sense and sensibility: one "Justice" Samuel A. Alito ("hollow be his brain")*. The vigorous frottage of his 2 remaining brain cells managed to ignite thoughts that occur effortlessly in the mind of a 3 year-old. Rather than increase the number of numbnuts to this august body, the whole thing, like the United States Senate, should be abolished.
*(Quote from Skipped History Skipper Ben Tumin. I only steal from the best.)