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FOWL HYSTERIA: THE FINAL
CROW VS. KEA. LET'S DO THIS.
In the beginning, there were 32 birds. Now, only two remain.
WELCOME TO FOWL HYSTERIA: THE FINAL.
(Crowd goes wild.)
That’s right. After four rounds, thousands of votes, and the (figurative) elimination of 30 birds, we are here, at the very last matchup of Fowl Hysteria™, the world’s first-ever bracket-based bird tournament. And the final two birds that have made it this far are, simply put, two of the greatest birds on this planet.
Seriously, we could not think of a more monumental pair to go beak-to-beak for the ultimate prize: the first-ever Fowl Hysteria™ Championship. You, our beloved readers, have chosen exceptionally well.
Before we get to the big matchup, we want to thank the other 30 birds that gave their all across these past four weeks. They are all icons in their own right, and we love them dearly. And to their supporters: don’t be downhearted. Your birds performed admirably, and you should be very proud of them.
OK. Here we go. To the main event. First, let’s see the bracket.
What a journey this has been!!!!
Now……………………are you ready???? Because here. We. GO.
IN ONE CORNER………..THE CORVID CONQUEROR….THE BRAINY BRAWLER….THE CAW-CAW-CAW CRUSHER……………THE AMERICAN CROW!!!!!!!!!!
AND IN ANOTHER CORNER…THE KIWI KILLER…THE ACAB ASSASSIN…THE PULVERIZING PARROT……..THE KEA!!!!!!!!!!!
LET’S GET READY TO RUMMBBBBLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
(Cues Space Jam music.)
Wow. Wow. Wow. WE’RE SO HYPED.
Because this is The Big Final, we have prepared something special. We asked two of our incredible bird-loving readers to write a short pitch to the rest of you in support of each of these birds.
Sure, the Kea invented the Pokemon franchise by shouting out its own name, and yes, it engages in honorable praxis when it comes to the destruction of police property, but is that enough for the global title? While it could be easy to dismiss the Kea's 2017 win in New Zealand's non-bracket-based Bird of the Year competition as too provincial for the world stage, real bird-heads know that NZ, with only one indigenous land mammal species (bats), evolved into the Premiere League of the bird world. (Go check out last year's line-up!) Obviously, the ecological niches for "cuddly" and "smart," usually reserved for our furrier relatives, went to the Kea instead.
Known to some locals as the "clown of the mountains," it's easy to understand why some people have underestimated the Kea's run at the title, especially when it’s up against the world's smartest bird. After watching numerous videos of this head-empty icon bounding through the snow, playing with siblings like new cubs at the zoo, many would doubt the work ethic of this noble fool. Thankfully, Discoursers already know that being clever "eez ok, but clown eez more difficult." Regardless of how you intend to vote though, please take some time out of your day to watch a Kea video or two!
My favorite bird families are the herons and woodpeckers. But the corvids, home to magpies, jays, ravens, and others, are a close third. The American crow is a smart, sassy, and brash representative of the Corvidae family, and crows may even bring you gifts in return for your vote. But also remember that they have excellent memories and they share information, so if you vote against them, you'd best hide your face lest they and their descendants forever hold a grudge against you!
That’s some real talk right there. Crows rule!!!!!!!!!! But so do keas!!!!!! THIS IS SO DIFFICULT.
Nevertheless, a choice has to be made, and it is up to you, our readers, to make that choice. It might be the most difficult choice in recorded history—as reader Pepperoni Mothra said last week, “If we end up with Kea v. Crow in the final round I’m going to lose my mind”—but we don’t always get to choose the times we live in. Sometimes, we are met with a solemn challenge, and we must meet it head-on.
So, Discourse Blog Bird Crew, we turn it over to you. Kea. Crow. Crow. Kea. Which bird will be Fowl Hysteria™ champion? You tell us. VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE.
And we’ll see you here in a week, when we unveil the big winner.